“You’re finished here.”
The words echoed in Alan’s mind, as he opened the door to his office. He paused before turning on the lights, committing into memory how the early morning sun crept through the drawn blinds. It was his favorite time of day; his moment of solitude. Slowly, his hand slid down the wall, and fell to his side without flipping the switch. This one last time, he would allow himself the pleasure of the stillness.
“Clean out your office and turn in your keys before the secretary leaves for the day.”
Steven’s voice resounded as clearly in Alan’s head, as if the board chairman was standing behind him.
“How could my friend…” Alan reminded himself of the tears, and the look of despair in Steven’s eyes. It was a board decision, and Steven was helpless to block it.
Without removing his coat, Alan dropped the boxes he had carried in from his car and collapsed back into his desk chair. He closed his eyes, and bit his lip, to hold back a prayer, and the sobbing which was continually erupting inside him. How could he do it? How could he throw everything away, on something he knew was wrong?
“Surgical separation! It must be done, for the sake of our reputation!”
The memory of Dave Johnson’s angry voice caused Alan to stand, remove his coat, and begin packing books from off the shelves. As the board decided his fate on Friday, Alan was asked to wait in the adjoining room. Even still, Dave spoke loud enough for him to hear. They had at times disagreed on issues concerning direction and budget, but Alan never considered Dave an enemy, least not until that night. Alan wondered if Dave Johnson would have backed down, if he had reentered the meeting and reminded Dave about his own past.
Five years ago, Dave’s company downsized, and he was greeted at his desk by a security guard who was to escort Dave from the building. How could Dave forget that it was Alan and his wife Sharon who consoled him, and encouraged him to make a new start?
Alan then remembered how Dave gave an unemployed, homeless vet some advice along with some canned goods and some change.
“I picked myself up when I lost my job, and you can too.”
At that time, Alan should have reminded Dave that he made it because of the support and prayers of his church family. They brought his family meals, and even paid a couple utility bills when his savings ran out. Now it was too late.
Right now, a loving church family was what Alan needed, but that would not be possible. Alan had been the pastor of Steven’s and Dave’s church for more than fifteen years, and a pastor is never more alone than when his own sins are exposed.
“I’ve packed the commentaries.” he thought, as he reached for another empty box, and tried to keep from blaming others for his own mistakes. “Counseling books are next.”
“Never share personal problems with someone you are counseling.” This time, the memory was of the voice of Dr. Anders, his seminary professor for pastoral counseling.
“You must always be gentle and caring. However, when you share your struggles, you are changing roles, allowing the other person to become your counselor.”
At the time, Alan did not understand what Dr. Anders meant. But then, he met Janice. Janice and Bryce were a young couple which he had counseled, and then performed their wedding ceremony. He recognized a propensity toward anger in Bryce, and two years later, Janice again sought his help, because she was afraid of her husband. Bryce had been given a promotion, and the additional stress brought on greater outbursts of anger and increased alcohol consumption. Alan was instrumental in helping the couple stay together, and getting Bryce into a stress management program. Janice was grateful.
Secure in Alan’s wisdom, Janice would call for his advice on almost any decision in her life. She was a bright, beautiful girl who made conversation easy, and he looked forward to their discussions. A year later, she phoned him at home, after midnight. Bryce had struck her, and left in a fit of anger. She was alone, afraid, and needed help. Since Sharon had to stay home to watch their kids, he went alone.
Alan found the door to Janice’s home slightly ajar, entered and gently pushed it shut behind him. He could hear her sobbing. She was crumpled on the floor, near their couch, still holding their phone. He kneeled down to hug her, but the warmth of his compassion smoldered into a fiery embrace. He carefully pulled away, trying desperately to ignore the arousal he felt. He cupped her face in his hands and with his thumbs, gently brushed away her tears. Then in a fatherly gesture, he leaned closer to kiss her forehead, but found her lips instead.
Their erotic passion pushed them up onto the couch. His hands slid off her face and caressed her breasts as she straddled him, kissing the top of his head. When their lust had reached culmination, they laid naked together, with her head on his bare chest in peaceful sleep.
Bang!
The memory of that first night, three years ago, still filled Alan with so much desire, it sweated out in guilt, and the book, which he had taken off the shelf, slipped from his hand and fell hard on the desk. Although he was grateful he had been kept from reviewing their other encounters, he realized that there were probably people in the office who had heard the noise. He opened the door and discovered three women huddled around the secretary’s desk.
“Oh pas- I mean, Alan, we didn’t know you were here.” one of them stammered.
The awkwardness of the moment caused Alan to silently retreat into his office. Alice and Sylvia, who could no longer call him pastor, missed his public repentance and the humiliation of his dismissal on Sunday. Between them, stood Karen, who was petrified as to the extent of his confession. She had been counseled by Alan, after her divorce, and somehow, he had resisted her offers of sexual favors, as he had done with several other women over the fifteen years of his ministry at this church.
“Packing, must concentrate on packing.” he said to himself, “Evangelism books next.”
Alan sat down on the floor to place these lowest shelved books in another box. He thought he had successfully dodged making contact with people when he heard a familiar voice in the doorway.
“Unbelievable! Just unbelievable!”
“You think it's so unbelievable that I was human enough to sin too?” Alan bristled, when he recognized the voice.
“No Al, it’s unbelievable that even in a time like this, you pack your books in alphabetical order!”
Jake, his alcoholic brother-in-law, persisted in calling him Al. Sharon had said that her brother had finally changed, but Alan mocked her willingness to find hope where there had only ever been disappointment.
“Did you fly all the way from Chicago just to taunt me?”
“Wrong again, Al.” Jake responded. “After she and the kids moved into mom and dad’s place, Sharon and I talked through the night. She was worried about you, so I offered to help.”
“She was worried about me?” Alan whispered.
“Yeah, and I'm under strict orders to help dump this stuff in your garage. Then, you’ll pack your bags, ‘cause you’ll move in with me. I’ll get you a temp job at my plant, so you can keep up with your bills, and pay for the counseling you’re gonna need.”
“Why?” Alan stammered as he looked Jake in the eye for the first time.
“One, ‘cause for some reason, my sister still loves you.” Jake responded as he shifted his weight to his other foot and leaned against one of the bookshelves. “And two, ‘cause I’ve done the recovery thing. I mean, really, do you think there’s anybody in this place who’s gonna help you?”
Alan shook his head. Jake was right. In all the years of preaching, it never occurred to Alan to prepare his church to help restore fallen leaders. Perhaps it was pride, or short sightedness, but he never let anyone hold him morally or spiritually accountable, and so there was no one around him who could be the kind of support he needed. Now God, in His wisdom, was placing Alan in Jake’s care which could both restore him spiritually and create the kind of relationship the two men should have already had.
For the very first time, Alan saw hope. Instead of looking up to the place from where he had fallen, he was now seeing that he was falling into God's overflowing grace. God had not given up on him.